How to prepare for motherhood – the honest realities!

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The other day my five year old daughter came into my bedroom and woke me up to tell me her younger sister had been sick and it had ‘gone over everything mummy’. As I knelt on the floor cleaning bits of regurgitated lasagne from the carpet and wondering if ‘Mr Bear’ was worth salvaging, I was thinking ‘I am not prepared for this’.

I mean, let’s be honest, nobody is really up for cleaning up vomit and changing sheets at 3am in the morning but that right there is motherhood in all its (questionable) glory. And they don’t prepare you for that. But maybe they should!

So to that end, I’ve put together a list of 10 things any prospective parent can do to prepare for those less ‘instagrammable’ moments of motherhood! Are you up to it?

  1. Have someone follow you into the bathroom and tug on your legs every time you go for a pee. Same applies for when you have a shower or bath.

  2. Leave your tea or coffee to cool for half an hour after you make it. Reheat in the microwave. Repeat. Give in and drink it cold or throw it away and start again.

  3. Set your alarm to wake you at least 5 times during the night at alternating intervals.

  4. Play ‘Baby Shark’ (other annoying kids songs are available) on repeat until you’re humming it in your sleep or singing it in the supermarket.

  5. Take half of every meal you make, and throw it onto the floor. Step in it a few times and spend 10 minutes after every mealtime on your hands and knees cleaning it up.

  6. Get your partner to ask you why after EVERY SINGLE THING you say.

  7. Fill an old perfume bottle with stale milk and spray yourself liberally about 7 times a day.

  8. Turn on the TV, the radio, and any other devices to different programmes/channels simultaneously and try to have a conversation or even just think above the noise.

  9. Put child locks on all your cupboards and practice not being able to open them yourself.

  10. Every time you’re about to leave the house, STOP.  Spend at least 10 mins yelling ‘Put your shoes on’ into thin air. Perfect your 30 second clothes change (to prepare for the inevitable last minute vomits/poo explosions), grab an oversized bag and fill it with everything you could ever possibly need. THEN leave.

Have any more tips of your own? Please leave them in the comments, I’d love to add to the list!

Related: What parenting really looks like >>

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10 hilarious ways to prepare for motherhood. Very messy baby.

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